


there's a room where the light won't find you

by Lovelylime



Series: holding hands while the walls come tumbling down [1]
Category: X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: F/F, Getting Together, Internalized Homophobia, Miscommunication, overly dramatic teens are in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-10-16 09:50:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17547389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lovelylime/pseuds/Lovelylime
Summary: Kitty grabs her hand.Illyana’s heart stops.She doesn’t move, doesn’t blink, doesn’t even dare to breathe. Like the smallest acknowledgement of the touch will make it stop. Illyana thinks she would die if it stopped.They lie there, hands clasped, refusing to look at each other, until the song fades out.





	there's a room where the light won't find you

**Author's Note:**

> yes i did write a whole fic because i listened to everybody wants to rule the world. also because yana's strugle with her literal inner demons felt very reminiscent of my own struggle with lesbianism, and i wanted to do something with that metaphor.

There’s something uniquely awful about questioning the inherent evil of one’s self. _Am I wrong? Unnatural? Disgusting?_ It haunts her, the doubt rooting itself deep inside her bones, where she’ll never escape it. Illyana Nikolievna Rasputina hears over and over again that she is the victim of her horrible experience, that she couldn’t be to blame for anything that happened. She never believes it. They weren’t there, they didn’t hear Cat’s neck snap, they didn’t see Illyana flourish under Belasco’s tutelage. They can’t appease the questions eating up the remaining scraps of her soul. 

The soul-eating doubt has varying moments of intensity. Sometimes, when she’s watching Dani laugh during breakfast, surrounded by friends, she feels lighter than she’s ever been, like a normal human girl. And sometimes Roberto will look at her with the barest hint of fear and she feels like she’s been dragged through the floorboards, right back to hell. The ups and downs hit her so fast she can barely keep up with them. Right when she thinks she’s finally become a real part of the team, that she’s assimilated into normal life well enough that no one cares what she is underneath, she’ll upset Rahne or Sam and then it’s back to desperately ignoring the whispering about her being a witch. But the challenges she faces with her friends can’t compare to what she feels when she’s with Kitty. 

Kitty is so _good_. If Illyana is a demon from the blackest pit of hell then Kitty is an angel of shining light. She’s so normal, so full of excitement and emotion that just being near here fills Illyana with a happiness she thought would be lost to her forever. But it also leaves her keenly aware of how much she lacks--how cold and dark she is, how she’s doomed to bring about chaos and destruction, and will never have that bright spirit lighting up Kitty’s eyes. Kitty makes her feel shameful and insufficient, but Kitty makes her feel alive. Illyana would never be able to put into words the way her heart seems to float right out of her chest when she makes Kitty laugh, how she forgets her own name when Kitty flashes her a smile. She’s trapped on the outside, seeing Kitty’s light and so badly wanting to be bathed in it but knowing she’s stained so thoroughly that the light would burn her. 

_______________________________

Currently, Illyana is burning a hole into the ceiling with a focused stare, determined not to look over as Kitty changes into her pajamas. She knows there’d be nothing technically wrong with looking, but the weight of her own intentions hold her down. Like if she took the opportunity and looked at Kitty, her roommate would know exactly why she looked, and all her fears that she is dirty or wrong would be confirmed. So she doesn’t look. Not until Kitty flops down beside her, fully dressed and holding a Walkman. 

“So, I was hanging out in town with Logan and Ororo this afternoon, and I could kinda tell they wanted to talk about something without me hearing, you know, ‘adult stuff’, so I wandered off and found _this_.” She dramatically brandishes the cassette player. 

“A Walkman that you already had?”  
“No, silly, the cassette. It’s a song, I heard it on the radio the other day, it’s really good!” 

Illyana frowns. She and Kitty don’t tend to share the same taste in music, so it’s weird that Kitty would want her to listen to a song. But, sharing earbuds gives her an opportunity to be close to Kitty without necessarily looking at her, or confronting her inner turmoil. So Illyana obliges, taking the earbud from Kitty as the song starts. 

“Who’s this by?”  
“Tears for Fears.”  
“Who’s that?”  
“Doesn’t matter, just listen.” 

The song is pretty good; it’s not really Illyana’s style, if you can say she has a style. They listen together in silence, Illyana starting to doze off, until right after the first chorus. 

_There’s a room where the light won’t find you_  
_Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down_

Kitty grabs her hand. 

Illyana’s heart stops. 

She doesn’t move, doesn’t blink, doesn’t even dare to breathe. Like the smallest acknowledgement of the touch will make it stop. Illyana thinks she would die if it stopped. 

They lie there, hands clasped, refusing to look at each other, until the song fades out. Kitty braves the tiniest glance at Illyana, sees her stone faced and stiff, and pulls her hand back, looking away again as quickly as possible. She rushes back to her own bed, curling up and starting the song over again. 

Illyana doesn’t sleep at all that night, her heart pounding even as her hand cools. 

___________________________ 

Kitty doesn’t sit with her at breakfast. She talks animatedly to Piotr about everything, anything, to distract from the fact that she’s avoiding her best friend. The new mutants watch Kitty chatter from the other end of the table, all perplexed. Sam looks on for a minute before dropping an atom bomb on Illyana’s heart. 

“I guess ‘Berto was right, she does like him.” 

It takes her five minutes to process this. When she finally does, she wishes she hadn’t. Kitty likes her brother. Kitty, her best friend, her shining light, wants to be with her brother. Every secret feeling, every heart flutter she’s ever had about Kitty has been wrong. Was it the hand holding that had tipped Kitty off? Had she reached out as a friend only to be confronted with Illyana’s shameful desires? Could Kitty ever bear to face her again? 

Her friends quickly move on, listening to Roberto’s theories on the upcoming episode of Magnum P.I., but Illyana stagnates, stung by the betrayal of her brother. How could he steal away her best friend? Did he not see how she felt? She’s silent for the remainder of the day, trying to figure out a way to live without Kitty by her side. 

The rest of the week goes by much of the same. Kitty keeps wandering off with Piotr to talk privately, and each time leaves Illyana lonelier than the last. She’s sure it’s only a matter of time before they both forget her altogether. Her friends try to cheer her up, but the second she snaps at them they back off, all secretly terrified. _Because you’re evil_ , her doubt says. _Because they can see through this facade to the shredded remains of your soul_. It speaks in Belasco’s voice. 

Getting through the days with Kitty barely looking at her is hard enough, but nights are impossible. Kitty is either already in bed by the time Illyana gets there, or waits until Illyana’s gone to bed to sneak in. Tonight, Kitty’s already tucked under the covers, facing the wall as Illyana walks in. Kitty’s earbuds are in, and Illyana can hear her listening to that stupid song. Just thinking about the warmth of Kitty’s hand makes Illyana’s chest hurt. She doubts she’ll ever feel that warmth again. 

___________________________

After a week and a half of cold avoidance, Piotr pulls Illyana aside. Asks her to go for a walk with him, alone. Illyana braces herself for the worst possible news. 

He tries to talk about mundane things, at first. How she’s doing, what the new mutants are up to, has she noticed Logan, Ororo and Kurt acting weird. Illyana responds to most of it with noncommittal grunts, staying a few paces ahead of him as they walk through the mansion’s yards. Piotr is restless, and clearly has something on his mind, but keeps dancing around it. He is painfully trying to get there naturally. 

“I’ve noticed you and Kitty aren’t talking.”  
“Have you?” Her reply has a bite, and Piotr winces, before continuing.  
“Katya and I have been spending a bit more time together recently, and she’s confessed something to me. I was hoping she would talk to you first about it, but since she hasn’t yet, I guess I’ll have--”

Illyana whirls around, hands balled into fists, begging herself not to cry. 

“How could you do this to me? How could you look at the one person who made me truly feel something and decide to take her for yourself?” 

Piotr looks completely taken aback by her outburst. He stops walking and stares at her. 

“What are you talking about? Take who for myself?”  
“Kitty, you idiot. I know you’re dating, and I just don’t know why you thought I would be completely fine with it!” 

Piotr still looks confused. Why won’t he just fess up? 

“Kitty? You think I’m dating Kitty? Kitty, the best friend of my baby sister? You think I’m interested in her?” He asks, incredulous.  
“You obviously are. What else could you be talking about on your secluded, romantic walks other than your undying love for each other?”  
“Snowflake, all Katya talks to me about is you.” 

Now Illyana’s the one taken aback. What does he mean, Kitty talks about her? Kitty can barely look at her. Kitty knows how disgusting she is on the inside, and decided to stay far away from it. Kitty can’t be spending hours talking to her brother about her. 

Piotr’s hand falls on her shoulder, trying to comfort. 

“Snowflake, I think the two of you have a lot to talk about, if you would only talk to each other.”  
“But--but Kitty hates me. She won’t even look at me, she thinks I’m evil and gross and creepy.”  
“Is that actually what Katya thinks, or is that what you assume she thinks?”

The one suggestion starts to poke a hole in the layer of darkness Illyana drowned herself in. _Does_ Kitty hate her? They haven’t interacted at all for over a week, so Illyana assumed she did, like she assumes everyone does. Did she _push_ Kitty away? Piotr pats her back, and starts leading her back to the house. 

“The two of you really need to have a chat.”

______________________________________

The next day, Logan, Ororo and Kurt invite Illyana and Kitty to go out for lunch with them. Illyana’s terrified of one-on-one time with Kitty, but the meal is surprisingly uneventful. Kitty jokes around with Ororo, Illyana mostly looks at her plate, occasionally laughing with Kurt. Illyana had relaxed by the time they walked back to the car, having enjoyed a lunch with friends and avoided any heartbreaking encounters with a girl who may or may not hate her. It isn’t until Logan pulls over to a grocery store on their way back “in case they need anything”, and only takes Ororo and Kurt inside with him, that Illyana realizes this might have been a setup. 

She and Kitty are left alone together, sitting in the backseat of the car, pointedly not looking at each other. The radio is on in the background. Belasco’s voice is nearly shouting at her. _You’re evil, you’ll corrupt her, you’ll destroy her, don’t even glance at her_. Illyana doesn’t. But Kitty does, breaking their silence for the first time in forever to look over and ask: 

“Do you hate me?”  
“What?” Illyana manages to reply through her surprise, looking at Kitty again for the first time in so long.  
“You must hate me. I ruined everything, I ruined our friendship, I got greedy and I ruined it--”  
“What are you talking about? _I_ ruined our friendship. I perverted it, I’d been perverting it, every time I looked at you and wanted to be more, I was corrupting it.”

Illyana looks away again. She’s never admitted out loud what she wanted from Kitty, and despite everything, she feels lighter. Like she’s exhaled after holding her breath unbearably. 

“You wanted to be more?” Kitty barely whispers.  
“Of course I wanted to be more. Didn’t you see it? Isn’t that why you pulled away from me?  
“I thought you wanted to be less. At least, less than what I wanted.” 

Neither of them speaks after that. The radio is still on, and that stupid song Kitty loves starts to play. They listen together in silence, not daring to make a move, until right after the first chorus. 

_There’s a room where the light won’t find you_  
_Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down_

Illyana grabs Kitty’s hand. 

Kitty grabs her back. 

Long after the song ends, they’re still holding on. 

___________________________________

Kitty and Illyana disappear to their room together, hands no longer clasped, but brushing every so often. Illyana was wrong, she was so wrong. Kitty’s light doesn’t burn, it heals. 

They both curl up on Kitty’s bed, legs tangled and hearts full. Illyana didn’t think it was possible for her to feel this good, this safe and warm and home. Her doubts still linger, still hissing at her that she’ll never be worthy of Kitty’s love, but Illyana doesn’t care. Kitty is here, in her arms, and that’s all she’s ever going to need. So when Kitty leans in, all Illyana’s fears disappear.

**Author's Note:**

> everybody wants to rule the world was my favourite song growing up, and that line about holding hands used to hit me right in the Gay Feelings so 10 yr old me is very happy with this


End file.
